Brrr... It's cold up here.

Arrgh!!! My eye!!!

like a sumb0o0o0o0dy

Since I don’t actually ever listen to music, I have no idea what would count as my theme songs, and unlike for the Bell Jar, I cannot just conduct a Google search on songs that would fit my personality, so I will do something a little bit different. And sorry this is a late, I was like what the **** mr R*** why did you assign this ****? (Notice I censored the bad, ugly, and just plain annoying words, as to leave you in a false sense of security as to what is to come later.) (Also, see the last song to see my thoughts of mr R*** when he assigned this.)


Pokemon Theme Song

I’m not going to say much for this song, just that this is quite possibly the most catchy and annoying song ever. When I say ever, I mean that this song pisses me off. Especially in the pe locker rooms at the middle school, there were those few people that would compete for singing the loudest pokemon song, and then some people would shout about “gotta catch em all.” Maybe that was just my unfortunate pe class period, but that was annoying, and it got me singing it for weeks on end when it was stuck in my head, never to come out. Pokemon! Gotta catch 'em all!


Numa Numa

No matter the circumstances, this song will make me think of fat white people. With the Ma-ia-hiis and the Ma-ia-huus, I fail to see how this song could make anyone think of anything besides fat white people. Look it up on youtube and you’ll see what I mean.


I Am the Walrus by the Beatles

Ok, this is just the most random song ever. I know that the Beatles are a really well known and liked band by a lot of people, but sometimes I think that they should stop smoking and snorting and inhaling and eating, etc. so many drugs. However, this song does relate to my life in significant ways. The line “See how they run like pigs from a gun” means to me that they mean more like pigs from cannons, and cannons were used in old wars, and how this relates to my life is that time I stole someone’s bacon (pigs) and ran away, like people from the old war. That was kind of funny, just like this song. The lines, “Sitting in an English garden/Waiting for the sun/If the sun don't come/You get a tan from/Standing in the English rain” represent my view on England. Everything there is backwards, such as the side of the road you drive on, and the kind of food you eat, and having accents sounding like a personified boulder. It’s kind of like the “In soviet Russia, bacon eats you” thing except this time it is England. This next line, “Semoline pilchards climbing up the Eiffel Tower/Elementary penguin singing Hare Khrishna/Man you should have seen them/Kicking Edgar Allen Poe” really has no meaning, as half the words don’t even make any sense, reinforcing my opinion that whoever wrote this song was really really high. I just had to include it because it was hilarious.


A WARNING before you read on to the final song:

This next song is highly inappropriate, and if “you're a boner biting bastard uncle fucka” then you will definitely find this next song offensive to people of your kind, and should just shut down your computer, and go do what you do best, because this is not the right place for you.


Uncle Fucka, from the South Park movie, sung by Terrance and Philip

This song definitely exceeded my expectations for any song to come from a cartoon, I mean, “Kyle’s mom is a big fat bitch” was kinda funny, but nothing like this one. This really is the most inappropriate and offensive song I have ever heard, and it will forever be in my mind as one of the best songs to appropriate the title “awesomesauce” to. This song represents what I think of some of the teachers at this school. As always, or not always, but most of the time, im not naming names, but im sure that you know what I mean. The recurring line, “Shut your fucking face uncle fucka” would be a good thing to say to aforesaid people. I also agree with this song that Canada is a strange, but enjoyable place, with all the aboots and square heads. In Canada, everyone thinks that this song is great and funny, with the exception of Scott, because he’s a dick. When I play this song and after lines like “You're a cock sucking ass licking uncle fucka/You're an uncle fucka, yes its true/Nobody fucks uncles quite like you” I see some one say something like “yes of course” with a very sincere attitude, even though they may not have actually been listening to the song, I will start laughing, because its just so funny. Of course you deprived children may not share my sense of humor, I have to say that “You don’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn,/You just fuck your uncle all day long.”


First things first. I would need to send a life sized mannequin thing of me to school and hire some chode to put it in my various classes so that it can peacefully sleep at my desks, erasing all doubt from my teachers’ minds that I am in fact in school. Can’t be having with cutting class, no, that just wouldn’t do.

Anyway, to start things off a bit sooner I would have to start by waking up in one of those 20 thousand dollar fit-for-a-king beds in Sleep-Train or something similar then make a quick escape from the building just as it opens, along with some really loud Mission Impossible theme music, because as we all know, the biggest part of being a successful spy/ snooping bastard is having an epic theme song. After that, I spend an hour or two trying to evade the police whilst playing really loud music, as you can imagine, a difficult feat. This part of my morning comes to an abrupt end, however, when I suddenly bump into Mr. Pizzalord, who doesn’t hesitate in throwing some well aimed slices of ninja star flatbread pizza.

Afterwards, we would use one of the Pizzalord’s trusty flying carpet pizzas to have a picnic on top of one of the sphinxes in Egypt, then teleporting back home (isn’t pizza travel convenient?) where we would then part ways and I would begin searching for an air plane to bungee jump out of. I actually had a dream about that once, and now it can be realized. Only difference with my dream was that the people were doing it in low flying planes over San Francisco and consequently dying like birds in a neighborhood with all too many clear glass houses. Well that part of my dream I am not too keen on reenacting at all, but the bungee jumping part certainly does sound very interesting.

Well as it turns out, at the end of this venture, the chancellor orders my pilot to execute order 66, at which point he decides to cut my bungee cord, and I only narrowly save myself by landing on Seth’s stomach which then proceeds to nearly engulf me before spitting me out at supersonic speeds right onto my bed at home, where exhausted of this blog I go into a really deep sleep with all sorts of interesting dreams the nature of which I will not indulge, but you can imagine the basic theme. And if you really feel the desire to indulge yourself in something right now, here’s a crazy bastard.


For my real people, first I would pick Hitler, because I would kind of like to know what his thought processes were when he decided that massacring lots of people was a good idea.

Next I would invite Justin Bieber so I could immediately kick him out of my party.

Same goes for George Bush.

I’m not sure if the devil is fictional or real, but I’d like to invite him so that I could discuss what I would do in the afterlife. Also, I’ve heard that the devil knows how to throw a good party.

Next I would invite Jesse Dunkle so that he could tell everyone to shut up and be ignored in general, making for a great party!

For fictional characters, first off Mr. Mackey would have to be invited so that he could sit around telling Hitler that “massacring millions of Jews is bad, m-kay?” 

Then, I would definitely invite Chef, also south park, so that he could make really good food and sing random songs.

I would also invite the ice cream man so that I could steal all his ice cream and then subsequently kick him out, to join Justin and George out in the gutter.

That’s about it. Yes it’s not a really traditional party, but I personally would find it really awesome.

j00 d0nt kn0w w4t t0 54y
  1. Brewster's Millions: If someone gave you $10,000, but you HAD to spend it all in one week, what would you spend it all on? Be specific and include why you'd buy the things you'd buy/do the things you'd do.

If someone gave me 10000 dollars and I had to spend it all in one week, its kind of a no-brainer what I would do with it.  I mean, of course I would spend 9990 of the 10000 dollars on ice cream and the remaining ten dollars on a spoon.  A really fancy spoon, obviously, since spoons can go pretty far if you have ten dollars to spend. In the unlikely case that I would not be able to finish 10000 dollars worth of ice cream in one week, I would buy a freezer and load it up with all my leftovers. Why would I buy ice cream? Because it’s the food of the gods, that’s why.

  1. Describe a time that you changed your mind about something important and include why/what made you change your mind (for example, deciding to be pro-choice or to be nice to a sibling or to start trying hard in school or whatever).

This one time when I decided that I actually liked chocolate ice cream really widened my choices for different types of ice cream. Don’t remember the specifics, all I remember is that I used to dislike chocolate ice cream, but now I no longer find it inferior.

  1. If you could be anyone in the world for one day, who would you be and what would you do for that one day as that person? OR If you could marry any celebrity, who would you pick and why?

If I could be anyone in the world for one day, I would be bill gates so that I could write myself a check for 50 billion dollars, and the next day I would be a verrrrrrrry happy child.

  1. If you could choose any one food that would NOT count as being unhealthy for you in any way (calories, artery clogging, etc), that is, that you could eat endless supplies of and it wouldn't be unhealthy, what food would you pick and why? Note that you could pick a specific food like cheese or chocolate or pork or a meal like chimichangas or hot fudge sundaes or fried chicken. Why did you pick the food you picked?

ICE CREAM!!!! Yes, to lesser mortals ice cream may be deemed unhealthy, but I can eat endless amounts of ice cream without being sick or getting bored of it.

  1. What is your most valued personal possession? IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE ABOUT HOW MUCH IT'S WORTH MONETARILY! Describe it, how you got it, and why it means so much to you--is it worth a lot of money or did you save your own money to get it or is it a gift from someone you love or did you find it on a really good day or what?

My most prized possession is my refrigerator, because without it all my ice cream would melt. Then I would be a very sad panda. 

lawwwwwlll this title used to be so offensive
I feel that school is pretty boring while im there, most of the time is spent thinking about all the food im going to eat when I get home. My favorite classes would have to be my eating classes, the ones nearest to lunch. If im not particularly hungry as of yet, I would postpone my eating to 6/7 period and if I feel like im starving I would eat in 4/5 period, even though 3 out of those 4 peroids don’t let me eat in class, Im sort of rebellious when It comes to eating whatever and whenever the hell I want. First and second period I reserve for sleeping or doing homework due later that day.

The thing that would make a class suck to me is if the teacher talked in a monotone for the entire year, and then randomly drop anvils on your head whenever they think you’re not paying attention. I don’t really enjoy being formally educated, but im sure I enjoy it more than what my life would be like if I had no formal education whatsoever, so I think that school is a good use of my time. And no, a 9-5 job at mcdonalds where I would make two dollars an hour whilst looking like a dumbass in front of the entire world would not be a better use of my time than school.

If I tried at school it would be too much effort for me to handle, so I don’t think I could handle it.

If I was forced to become a high school teacher, I would teach history so that al l I would have to do is show some random history channel movies to the class while I sat around reading a book or something. I would not assign much work, because then I would have to grade it all, except I might tell them to go and watch plenty of historical documentaries. If kids don’t listen to me, id just throw some shit at them until they shut up.

wow julians such a jag
I don’t think that I have actually really changed since middle school, the only way that I really changed is that im not as retarded as I was back then, although I think that that holds true for everyone unless you have a Benjamin button type brain. I try the same amount in school which is as little as possible to not get any Cs, because my parents would probably shit themselves if I ever got a grade that low. I never listened to music really except if you count video game/ movie soundtracks, and yes, I still dislike biggie’s music although his math skills were formidable.

Now if this blog was about how I changed since I was born, I would have something to talk about. Such as, I no longer eat baby food, I no longer scream really loudly to get what I want, at least not on a regular basis, and I have learned to walk.

Do I still have the same style? If this means clothes that I wear then I would have to say that my style has not changed one bit as most of the clothes I wear now were the same ones I wore when I was in middle school, and yes that one black sweater I have used to go down to my knees or something.

My views on the world have not changed a bit either, still got that 20/20 vision. And so that concludes the incredibly boring blog I wrote where I had nothing to talk about whatsoever. Have a nice day!!!

drugs are bad
However, money is good.
These days having money is not particularly important, unless I happen to be walking by an ice cream shop, then money suddenly becomes very important indeed. But when I am an adult and have more access to ice cream than I do now, I will probably have to choose my job based on money to maximize my ice cream eating experience. Money always leads to ice cream, and as ice cream = happiness, through the transitive property of something, money = happiness. No, I would not go against my own morals for money, as I would then have to travel to some store to buy ice cream. However, if immediate ice cream was involved, it would be a different story. I have never worked for money, as my route home these days does not involve walking by an ice cream shop. I find that no one really cares if I have money or not. The only exception is when I need to mooch food off of other people when I go somewhere to eat because of my lack of money.

Generally speaking, I think that the right thing to do is usually the thing that benefits the most people preferably without harming anyone else. In the world, arresting bad people is good, and arresting good people is bad. Most of my ethical values probably come from being slapped as a really young child whenever I punched other people or something. In this way, I learned that punching other people gets you slapped and so it would be preferred to not do it. Religion? Whats that have to do with pizza? I really don’t get that connection.
It is okay to lie and steal in very specific circumstances. Like if some terrorist was asking you for the location of the president so that he could launch a nuclear missile in that general direction, it would be okay to lie and say that the president was in Germany, in order to protect the president and kill those damn Nazis at the same time. Stealing is a similar situation. If there was some chode who just stole your refrigerator, I would say that it would be okay to steal it back. Murder however, is completely different. I can’t think of a situation where killing someone would be a good thing to do. Actually I take that back. If someone was about to blow up San Francisco, and you were there with a gun, I’d probably commit murder in that case. Yes, it is also pretty black and white. If there were a bunch of black gangstas in the room with me, I would watch my stuff pretty closely.
The biggest way that my values have changed over time is that I have some now. When I was two, I probably wouldn’t have had any ethical values.

its like trying to compare a dead goat to a doorknob
The scene is simple. I am sitting at the dinner table, stomach bulging, so full that if I move even the slightest bit I might explode. How did it get this way? Well let me start from the beginning…
I first discovered my passion for eating when I was just a baby. Take any four normal babies, feed them to a fifth normal babies, and you have me. To avoid you thinking of cannibalism, let’s just say they were four baby sized pancakes then. I hope that you got the idea by now, but for the slower ones of you, I will say it plainly. I was a fat fuck. I was so fat that when I toddled down the street people stopped to say, “god damn that’s a fat fuck!”
Now as it is currently thanksgiving weekend, we have way too much food sitting around, and I am free to stuff myself with all the stuffing I can. And to answer some of the brainstorm questions while I am at it, it makes me feel great, the best time to do it is any time there is food next to me, and I partake in this with whomever happens to be next to me at the time. Yes I will do this for the rest of my life.
“encouraged your personal growth?”
Most definitely.

Under the Influence of this Blog Title

The person who was the biggest influence on my life ever, the one who taught me most of my life skills, particularly the mathematical ones is the greatest rapper of all time… Biggie Smalls!!!
Anyway. Everytime I say his name in the mirror three times, because he is now dead, on the third call of his name he jumps out of the mirror and shouts, “the fuck you call my name for! Imma pop a cap in your ass!”  Or in the case that I will be in the company of more than a couple people, he’ll say, “imma pop a multitude of caps in your collective asses!” And sometimes when he comes out of the mirror he counts the number of caps hes gonna pop in my ass in complicated math formulas. Which every time he proceeds to then explain in a very informative math lecture.
So I conclude, that although Biggie’s music may suck, his math lecturing abilities are quite formidable.


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